Maternal Confidence: Finding Peace in the Newborn Trenches
Exhaustion is at its height, fights with our partners are about the weirdest things, and some days the hormone monster makes its appearance in the form of endless sheets of tears and B.O.
It may seem endless through the fog of exhaustion, but getting through this phase doesn’t need to be complicated. It doesn’t mean you need to add anything to your mental plate. In fact, there is a way to thrive rather than just survive.
The following is a guide on how to break the overwhelm down into bite-sized pieces that will get you through the next few weeks.
Wrangling Chaos
Taking care of a baby is embracing the chaos. Knowing this fact and accepting it is the first step towards mental freedom.
Become one with the chaos. Stop trying to tame it.
You cannot control what your baby does at every given moment. However, you can be prepared for the different scenarios. Giving up the need for control makes parenting easier. That seems backwards, but when you are in the newborn trenches it's about preparation more than anything.
What do I mean by chaos?
Let’s first destigmatize the word “chaos.” If you feel it, you know what I mean. With my first little one I drowned in the need to know what would happen next and vowed that this time would be different.
When I say chaos, I simply mean that at any moment you could be dealing with nap traps or blowouts. Snuggles or spit ups. Day and night confusion may have you asking what day it even is. Your beautiful baby might decide to try out for a part in Houdini and use their swaddle for straight jacket practice, giving you a heart attack when the baby monitor goes off. You never really know.
How can you prepare for the chaos?
Have the diaper station stocked (If you run out, refill it immediately. Don’t trust that future you will have more energy or be able to see past the newborn brain fog.)
Have a spare burp cloth and outfit (or 2) in your diaper bag/car.
Be swaddle ready (blanket/zip up/velcro. Pick your favorite type AND the safest for your little one.) I personally lay mine out on the bed, so it is ready when my baby is.
All bath time things BEFORE baby is in the bath.
Activities set up for older kiddos while baby naps on you. Hint: Do this before you initiate nap time.
Have water and snacks ready to go at your favorite feeding area.
Create a space that onesies/outfits with poop can soak before being washed. It will remove most of the stain before it sets, potentially saving your favorite onesie.
ETC.
This list isn’t comprehensive, but it does take you through the basics. Prepare for the particulars of your baby/kiddos. Every house looks a little different. And remember: embrace the chaos, there is no way to be ready for everything. Just the most typical.
Slow Down
The newborn phase goes by so fast. Slow down, soak up the cuddles when you can. Your house work is not more important. Your laundry will still be there in 30 minutes. Your little one never wants to be set down? Take the time to bond, recover from birth, and enjoy those early scrunches and grunts. If you absolutely have to get up and moving, I recommend investing in a quality baby carrier. They are a game changer!
Do you want to feel unstoppable in motherhood? Take the time to heal yourself. A healed mother leads to a thriving baby.
It is also biologically normal for newborns to be clingy. They can’t survive without a caregiver. They have nervous system responses more frequently and cry out because they need to know they are safe. You are their safe. The more time you spend holding them now, the more independent and self assured they will be in the future.
Take the time to bond and heal, so that it can positively shape the future.
Self Care
This part is so important! Filling your own cup is vital for your ability to fill up others. Mom guilt will tell you that anything you do for yourself is selfish. Take 10 minutes to yourself every day and do whatever you mentally and physically need. Even if you exclusively breastfeed, you can do this.
Self care doesn’t have to be some special activity or hobby. It needs to be intentional. A shower can be self care if you leave everything at the curtain and just experience the hot droplets, fully be aware of the water and appreciate the time you have to yourself.
Ideas:
Read
Meditate
Stretch
Walk
Please don’t count doom scrolling as self care. You may need to check out for a minute, but the quick dopamine bump can’t match long term care. Remember: be intentional.
Plan your self care, don’t leave it up to chance. Make it important. Tell your partner you need to step away for a bit. Make sure your baby is fed if you need to and step away. Leave the room.
Take care of yourself. This time is 100% for you. You deserve it.
Breastfeeding, Pumping, and Night Feeds…Oh My!
The newborn phase has me feeling like an all you can eat buffet. Between cluster feeds, storing breast milk, and night calorie needs…it can be overwhelming.
I recommend taking those first few weeks to establish a supply, work with an IBCLC if needed, and help your little one and you figure out how feeds will go. The exception being of course if you need to have a stock built up for your return to work.
Find a rhythm that works for you.
My personal example:
I pump after the first feeding. I started at 3 weeks postpartum. My supply was established and my daughter was mostly efficient at eating. I am able to store about 6 oz a day for back up. I work from home and don’t need to worry about sitters or daycare. If I miss a pumping session because big sister needs extra cuddles or maybe little sister doesn’t take that early nap, I don’t beat myself up. I wait until after bedtime and pump.
Your rhythm will look different and fit into your lifestyle. Workshop it. On days you feel extremely overwhelmed, make sure you take some extra time to prioritize yourself. You deserve it.
Things to help you:
Have snacks ready wherever you like to breastfeed or pump.
Have a full water bottle.
Reach out to an IBCLC (lactation consultant) if you need or want to. Don’t wait until a concern becomes a problem.
Invest in a nipple cream that your baby can ingest.
This is a journey, not a quick walk. Don’t beat yourself up and enjoy the opportunity to bond. But also, if you aren’t breastfeeding or can’t, don’t beat yourself up.
Finding the New You
Becoming a mom doesn’t mean you give up who you are. It means you need to learn how these new parts of you fit into the mosaic that is your life. Change is completely normal. Certain parts of you aren’t as important and new parts seem to consume everything you touch. These changes may seem small or they may seem monumental.
Which is why I hate the idea of bounce back culture. You can’t bounce back, you are a mom now. Life is different and that is just a fact.
And that is beautiful.
What I have learned is that the 4th trimester is just as important as the first three, but it is often overlooked.
It is ok to stay slow. Every minute of your maternity leave should be spent bonding and healing. That means investing in yourself and your little one’s future self. Find your new normal. Grow into it.
Don’t beat yourself up if some days are spent on the couch cuddling your newborn and some days you feel like doing housework. You will find your flow and the new way of things.
And mama, if you are exhausted, now is NOT the time to pick up new projects or new habits. You are learning how to thrive in this season. You will have time in the future to start new things. If you see a video of a mom waking up at 5 AM and telling you that it is the best way to find “you time.” She is not talking to you. You will have time for that 5 AM routine when you find your new self. If that is even what you really want.
Baby Blues and Post Partum Depression
You matter. The way you feel matters. If you think you may be experiencing Post Partum Depression (PPD) or any variation of postpartum mental health concerns, reach out to a mental health professional. You do not need to do this on your own.
How can you tell if it's baby blues or PPD? Baby Blues usually occurs within the first couple of weeks after giving birth. Generally, new mothers will feel this experience fade, but if after a couple of months you aren’t really bonding with your baby and/or feel different, you may be experiencing PPD or a variation of postpartum mental change.
I am not a medical professional, I just know what I do from experience. Reach out to a professional for help. Lean on your support system. If you feel like you may harm yourself or your child, don’t feel shame but do find help.
The Main Point
Don’t beat yourself up. Be nice to yourself. Go to bed when your baby does if you’re tired (even if it's 7pm). Drink water. Don’t forget to eat. Ask for help when you need it. Give yourself space to grow into who you are now.
And for the love of your mental health, go outside! Sun is your friend and an added bonus is helping your newborn with their day and night confusion.
Wishing you sleep,
