Facts About Attachment Based Parenting
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What is Attachment Parenting?
That depends who you’re asking, but the short of it is: attachment parenting is a philosophy, or style, of parenting meant to foster secure attachments and independence. What does that really mean?That you, the parent, meet your child’s needs before they are expressed. Thirsty? You don’t need to be asked for water, it is at the ready. Hungry? Food is already being prepared or served. It also means that choices are made simple for our littles. Do you want the blue or purple bowl? Not, do you want broccoli or carrots? The big questions are decided already, so that our kids can be kids. The idea behind this philosophy is that when a child’s needs are met and they can truly focus on resting and playing, they will have the optimal room to grow into independent young adults and then mature adults.
If you want to know more, join my book club over on Substack! At the end of July, 2025 I will be giving my full review on Rest, Play, Grow by Deborah Macnamara. In this selection, she is exploring how to attend to preschoolers and their varying levels of chaos. So far, I am loving the developmental pieces it covers. There is also a heavy inclusion of attachment theory and how to apply it to our daily rhythm.
2. Social Media and “Gentle” Parenting Misconstrued the Message
We’ve all heard of gentle parenting and the controversy that comes with it. I will never understand how anyone can shame a parent for trying their best, but that is a whole different discussion.
So, how has gentle parenting become a red herring for attachment?
Social media has blown up, trended, and blurred the different styles of parenting and i' has led to a lot of negative confusion. Gentle parenting is its own philosophy that focuses on creating a calm environment vs. attachment parenting that focuses on creating secure attachments. This means that the gentle parent may try to avoid conflict in order to keep the peace, while an attachment focused parent will hold a boundary even with tears.
The difference is with attachment parents, we focus on holding space for big emotions rather than trying to redirect energy. There is a time and place for redirection, but if we are consistently redirecting, our little ones don’t have the space to learn how to navigate emotion in the real world, ie. They don’t know how to handle disappointment.
If you are a gentle parent, that is absolutely your parenting choice. I, personally, fall somewhere on the great big sliding scale that is motherhood. I don’t do spankings, but I do hold hard boundaries. I offer a safe space for tears, but I rarely redirect. I always meet my toddler’s needs where she is at (ok, mostly, I’m not perfect by any means), but sometimes her sweet “please mama” earns her extra candy.
My point: you don’t have to be soft spoken and touchy feely to follow attachment parenting. BUT you do need to anticipate needs, be present, and stay conscious of your actions.
3. The “Caregiver” Role
One of the big talking points in Attachment Parenting is the “alpha” or as I like to refer to it: the caregiver role. This is the person who a child attaches to. Mom, dad, bonus parent, Nana, etc. This is a super important role, because this is where attachment starts and takes root.
The Caregiver is the person who a child learns is their safe space, they learn that their caregiver will take care of them and they don’t need to fake maturity in order to feel loved. As adults, it is easy for us to get lost in the daily grind and just want our kids to be independent.
But…
That just isn’t realistic. Independence is born from dependence, and supporting while in the caregiver role is the type of support our littles can thrive on. Especially when we, as the caregiver, can meet them where they are during the day. If we can cultivate a close, safe bond throughout the day we can pave the way for a calm, reassured sleep.
4. Dependence Breeds Independence
So what the heck does this saying mean?
The more secure your child feels, the more confident they will be when it is their turn to do new things. The “I do it” phase is born from here. If you can cater to your child’s needs before they even express them, they will be fulfilled. As your child grows, they will want to fulfill their needs themselves.
Story time! My daughter is an independent little maven…usually. My partner and I always made sure to have what she might need at hand and this led her to a self fulfillment desire. Now, before I break down the “hows,” let me just say this was not entirely on purpose. My partner and I both work. We were so tired (I hadn’t found my groove with baby sleep yet). Our desire to meet her needs stemmed from the selfish desire to make our lives as easy as possible. I am not afraid to admit it, because I want to normalize the fact that we are all human.
Now let’s talk about the “hows” of fostering independence:
I held space for all tears. This was more relevant after 9 months (you can’t spoil your babies!). Prior to 9 months, I made sure to be very involved with my baby. They can only communicate through cries until they can for full words and sentences. It is our job to learn those cries and adjust to anticipating what they need.
I nursed on demand. This was really hard for me at first, because I wanted to follow the statistics and nurse within certain time frames. But here is what I learned: I can’t control hunger, nor can I control what type of comfort my baby needs. I could, however, control my mindset and response.
Nursing turned into meals and snacks. This is where my type A personality started to shine. Structured meals. Snack time was more on hungry cue time, but our family meals had structure and I had total control over that structure. I couldn’t control how much my baby ate, but I could control what was on their plate and when. By following likes and dislikes and amending snack time in case of early hunger, I was able to meet my daughter where she was at, anticipate her needs, and spark interest in food preparation.
Montessori style-ish. I really like the independent structure that Montessori teaches, but I am a color fiend and still use cabinet locks. However, we did clear out the bottom shelf of our pantry and make that our toddler shelf. Snacks, bowls, cups, utensils, etc. go on that shelf. This fostered an interest in grabbing what she really wanted, but she still needed mom or dad to help her actually open the snack.
5. How does it apply to sleep?
I mean, think about it, don’t you sleep better after a good day?
This is the sentiment and mindset that can go into your thinking. The more present you are during the day, the less your child will crave that closeness at night.
Why?
Their tank is full and they are resting without stress. They aren’t afraid mommy won’t come back, they aren’t wishing they had another snack because they are full, and they aren’t missing out on cuddles because they were snuggled up before bedtime even started!
While it may seem backwards to think that our child is totally dependent on us during the day and rest easier at night. It makes biological sense. Go way back to the days of hunters and gatherers. Babies were reliant on their caregivers (yes, more than one) for survival. Not just food and a safe place to sleep, but there were threats during the day like rampant disease and wild animals. Those babies needed to literally be attached to a caregiver in order to have a confident survival.
Today, our babies might not be worried about a wild animal scooping them up for dinner, but their nervous systems are still wired for support. This instinct starts to fade, but will stick around well past infancy. (Have you heard of the adult herd mentality? It is normal to want to fit into the tribe.) So, that means that by providing close, day time support our children feel secure and can learn their environment without their nervous systems alerting them of danger. Which translates to easier and more trusting rest at night.
Even now, my toddler sleeps great, but on the days where her interests and needs are met she sleeps even deeper.
